Two Sided Mirror

So about a month and a half ago, I was talking to a guy *Chris who is a psychology major at

HU. I knew he liked me and still possibly does because he took me out on a date about 3 weeks ago, but something wasn't right. Don't get me wrong, I thought he was cute and he is a great people person, can talk his way out of anything and into anything. My problem wasn't so much him, but a part of me as well. What I didn't like about him was that he knew me, without knowing me. This is where all his psychlogy skills shown its face and rocked my emotions. He told me he sees a woman with great potential and so much confidencee, but why do I put on a "tuff guy" mask. He continued on in greater detail and with each word, I felt the tears about to attack my face. We had this whole Young and the Restless moment in the car where he just watched me and I watched my feet and I refused to have him even reach for my hand because I was all tense and shaken up. I left the car that night thinking, how does he know that? For the next month I went through this minor first semester crisis trying to find myself and figure out why I am the way I am. And it turns out, I already knew the answer.

Everyone has their own tear jerking story about how their lives sucked when they grew up, me too. But the first chapter wasn't so bad. I mean, I had Mom and Dad and uncles and aunts, lots of aunts. I was pretty advanced for my age, reading and doing math around 3 and 4 yrs old. Daddy didn't allow me to watch tv or anything "fun". And he was strict too. I was only allowed to read books, books and more books. But Mommy and I had a system. We lived in the basement of someone elses house and at the side there was a window where you can see someone coming. Once we saw feet, tv was off and Mommy tossed me a book. Tag team. But thats not what led me to be the way I am now. But it does have to do with Daddy.

Daddy was a bad guy. A wolf in sheeps clothing. Why I still call him Daddy, I don't even know. Turns out, Daddy beat Mommy and was cheating on her at the same time. This explains all the aunts, and I will give you this if you don't tell. Plus there was the time where he brought me with him. I was in her apartment with him there. He made me watch The Color Purple while he had taken the bed mattress and turned it sideways so I wouldn't be able to see what they were doing. Once I got up to go eat and came back seeing them laying in barely nothing, he told me to sit back down and watch tv. Whichever aunt she was, she was a true whore to do that with another woman's child in the room. Daddy always cheated and always brought me with him. Kids I thought were my cousins weren't really cousins. Just the children of whore's. I was a child of a whore too. Daddy. I eventually told my Mommy the truth one day not realizing how bad the truth was. At that age, news is news. To her, it meant time to pack up. And thats just what we did. Packed up and moved without him knowing. Didn't see him for almost 10 years after that.

From then on, it was us and only us. Don't trust anyone else, everyone is out to lie to you and get you. Mommy locked up inside herself and trusted no one, therfore I trusted no one. Still feel that way to this day. Daddy taught me how to cheat before I even knew what a relationship was. And Daddy also taught me how to never trust a man. But what he really taught me is that I don't know how to trust myself because clearly he couldn't trust himself. So since Chris had indirectly made me look at my past to understand why I act the way I act now, I know that I am truely Daddy's little girl who grew to up to be a guy on the inside. All I have to do now is be thankful that Chris made me reflect on myself and think about how I'm going to try and live from no one. Now I'm going to make my possibly boo my official first free from the Daddy's little girl mentallity. Life still continues. But if you think I'm easily influenced, you are easily mistaken.

- True Tales of Toni