This is the Plan

What is the cause of your motivation to become successful? For many it's money, and for others, it's just wanting to finally move out that hood you go back to during the break where you see the same thing, nothing. I can't lie, that's partially my motivation too. But to be honest, my main motivation are my parents. That's right. My Father is a part of that. My Mother is the major reason though.

You see, my mother has been working hard so that I can become something all her life. She came from the beautiful island of Jamaica and is very beautiful herself. She came with my father who was supposed to help her out, but once her got off the boat, his main concern where the women and not helping to build my mother by working together. My mom went to high school but never finished. She left when she was 16 years old and has been working ever since. With no high school degree, and no college degree, my mother learned people and how things work. I guess that's where I get it from. While my Dad was off and about, my mother worked two jobs, sometimes three. She'd be gone from 6 in the morning to 8 or 9 in the p.m. When you're a little girl, that's a long time away from mommy. She'd be gone weekends working, even weeks working, all so that she could support me.

To this day she still works just as hard, putting me through college. She complains, all the time, but she'll never regret it because she knows that I intend on making it up to her one day. Now, my Father on the other hand motivates me to make him feel like **** when I make it. His absence motivates me to prove to him that, hey, this is your daughter that you left, and look at what she made of herself without your help. And that's exactly what I am going to do. I'm just going to prove to the world that me, the problem child, the bad girl gone good, can start off with nothing and end it with something great. Plus that man still owes me a trampoline so I will be making trips.

To end this with something simple, money is not my motivation, a better outcome for my life is.

If you think I am easily influenced you are easily mistaken - True Tales of Toni

Waterfalls

They say don't go chasing waterfalls
But you have caused mine
Running down my legs
Yes, this is my river

They say don't go chasing waterfalls
But you've chased it down with your tongue
Savoring each drip drop
Drinking until there's none

My river flows south
And I feel you travel north, enjoying
Your travels
I'm enjoying them too

You made it rain, as I now start to pour
No more, no more, no more
Now turns into
No, More, No, More!, No, MORE!

Greedy is what you've made me
Hungry is what I am
Thirsty is what you are
Releasing my dam

They say don't go chasing waterfalls
But you have caused mine
Running down my legs
Yes, this is my river

- Toni

Just a Moment

Madea said it best. Some friends are like the leaves on a tree, and with the slightest breeze they are gone. Some are like branches, you think they're strong but they can break. But then there the roots, the roots who are there through thick and thin, holding down the tree for anything and through anything. My tree is just barely making it. My roots weren't as rooted as I thought they were, and yet it is blossomed with many leaves stretched along its weak branches. I feel somewhat like Charlie Brown and his Christmas tree. So small and frail, and yet I see the beauty in mine as he saw in his.

You see, those leaves are very important in my life. Even if they are there only just for a moment. These are the leaves that leave memories and life long lessons long after they are gone. I have a story about a leaf, a branch, and my roots, all who have taught me great things.

My leaf was a girl from my high school. We had become close friends because we both played on our basketball team. We bust ass together, and had many laughs together. There were times also when we both we going through problems that we needed one another to help lean on. I'm used to no one being there for me and no one listening to what I need to say, so once I found someone who actually cared, I spoke my mind and my heart freely. But my problem was, was that I didn't listen. Being that we were close at the time, she brought it to my attention and I sincerely felt bad because I didn't know. As the season ended, our friendship faded, but the lesson she taught me didn't.

My branch is/was my ex. I had been with him for two and a half years. That's two and a half years of love, hate, happiness and sadness. We thought we would be, but I soon realized before he did that it wouldn't work out. His ambition didn't match mine, and while I was trying to make my dreams a reality, he was still sleeping. I tried my best to bring him up with me, but rather than rising up, he was pulling me down. I wouldn't allow his lack of ambition be the cause of my self destruction and so he was dropped from the team. But he was my love and he was my heart. He helped me realize a lot of things. I learned how to love and how to let others love me. I learned how be patient, and I learned how to give 150 percent in a relationship. I also learned how to throw a right hook which came in handy with him and I a couple of times. : )

My roots are still weak, but I believe that they are growing stronger. I have been blessed with meeting a few people who I believe can help my tree become stronger and more grounded. With our bond as the water, I watch my roots growing stronger and stronger, and soon it will be strong enough to face any wind that blows through. Hopefully : )



If you think I'm easily influenced, you are easily mistaken



True Tales of Toni

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyZ0Ce3Gico

As They Fall

Inspired by one of my favorites - Feelings - Floetry

He left my mind and body exhausted, my tongue and body twisted and turned

Into sheer confusion not knowing what to do and

Once I thought I had a grasp of our reality which ended up just being my fantasy

My dream, my one wish,

Wishing on a star that doesn't exist

And as I looked up to search for it, they fell from my eyes

And with each drop a star appeared.

You see the reason why those stars shine so bright at night is because

Of my tears shed that goes hidden from the sight of those around me

Who don't know

And who won't know

And so I'm left confused, blinded by the many wishes made as I look up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFTrUTZP0LM

Don't Be Surprised If She Ask Where the Cash At

I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but she ain't messing with.... You know the words to this song, and I'm sure a couple of you know women who fit the song description. Yes, we have many BGC Natalies out here who only sees dollar signs and not the man for who he is. Yes we have those money hungry, do anything for a dollar and a new pair of shoes, type of women. These are the woman who can't do for themselves and wants someone else to do for them. The sad thing about it is that there are men out there who allow this to go on. It's a terrible epidemic which I'm actually somewhat jealous of.

These women have the skills to put on a Broadway Grammy/Emmy winning performance and in the end come out victorious. How do they do this? How can you pretend to like a guy, sometimes an unattractive guy, and use him for what he's got. You would have to kiss him, been seen with him in public, and even possibly have sex with him. All this for a couple of dollars and a possible shopping spree. Hey, it's wrong, but I give these women props,because I have the morals to not do it and I don't have the heart to. I have two stories related to this topic.

Back at home in the lovely NY, there is a man, yes a man, who I know and I know likes me. This man had money. I never asked, he always made a point to tell me or show it off. I am turned off by this. My mother raised me to never stick my hand out and beg for anything from anyone, so his money is not needed from me. He would always brag about how much he had in his pocket. One time he had a roll of singles which ended up to be hundreds which he told me he had found them laying around the house. *sigh* When he took his stacks out to pay for the simplest items, I always turned my head because I never want a man to catch me staring at his money. Money is not my motive. The man is, and he was definitely not mines. I felt a little sorry for him because his actions attracted the wrong women. These were the women who were looking for something and that something wasn't him. They were more interested with the money in his pockets than with him, and he lived that life, one "gold digger" at a time. He knows I would be a great woman for him because my intentions are all good, but I was never attracted to him because of his vain ways. I can't see myself being with someone for what they have. If I'm with someone, it's because I like that person. You can have money out the ass, but if I don't like you, I don't want you. If T Pain tried to speak to me, I wouldn't speak to him, auto tune and all.

Here at Howard, I know of a guy who comes from money. He isn't "damnnn girlll" attractive, but I was attracted to him. His style was different and there was just something I liked about him. But I felt like he wanted to buy me. He never threw money at me, but there was that undertone that he wouldn't hesitate to. That's not my style. And once I realized that was going to happen, I lost all feelings for him. I mean he still attractive to me, but a man who flaunts his money is not. Leave that to the gold diggers that I call hustlers because tricking ain't easy.

If I'm with a man and I'm trying to be paid, I want him filling me up with all types of emotions and feelings, not my wallet so I can feel like a high price whore. If I'm going to be with you, I want to be with you. I don't want to be paid for liking anyone. This, what I have, is not a servicing company. I don't need to be paid to be with anyone. I'll leave that for the female hustlers. They get paid and I am not mad at them. Go head, someones got to do it, but it isn't going to be me. Money isn't everything. Don't get me wrong, I would love for my man to take me on a shopping spree, what girl wouldn't. But get this, he would be my man because I like/love my man, not because I love his wallet.

But hey, I can't knock their hustle

If you think I'm easily influenced, you are easily mistaken - True Tales of Toni

To Shine like a Ruby

My past is filled with so much pain and to this day I smile so the hurt won't shine through. I was filled with so much anger, silently wishing I would die the next day because I didn't know how to deal with what was going on inside of me. I hated the world because I felt that the world was against me. And since I believed that the world hated me, I began to hate myself. I scarred my body. I cut my wrist hoping to read between the lines and find an understanding as to why my life was going down the path it was. I had no one, and I never gave those around me the chance to get inside and help me.

But I wanted to shine. I wanted to be a diamond and just shine so bright. I didn't know how to be a diamond, so I chose to be a ruby. All the issues that I was dealing with decided to attack me at once, and so I ran. I ran to the streets and allowed it to pull me in without a fight. My boyfriend at the time was a Five Star General in his Blood set. I was his wifey, doing what a wifey did, and that's hold down her man. I saw what everyone else saw in being a part of a gang. Having a family that they never had. I saw love and strength and an understanding that I didn't see where I needed it. And so they showed it to me, and I gladly accepted it. I didn't believe I could be a diamond.

So I told myself, this is where I want to be. Yes, me, Toni. I was ready to be the First Lady of the set. Mrs. Five Star General of 135th Street in Harlem. This was what I wanted, because I knew of nothing better. I was ready. I studied, I knew what I needed to know to be down. I had it easier than the next girl, but it was still a hard process. I'm sure you've all heard what a girl needs to do to be down. I didn't have to because my man was top dog. No one was going to violate me like that. But I had to fight to prove my honor and loyalty, the two things that I value the most. And it was set, the date and the time. Fight the OG's girl and I would have my family, my love, and my title. But it's funny how things play out.

I was set to head out on the 2 train to transfer to the 5 to win my battle. But I get a call and I'm told that I have to be somewhere at the exact same time. I let my man know I won't be able to come today, but I will tomorrow. He tells me that there is another girl who is trying to be down and she will be fighting today instead since I won't make it. I'm mad as hell. Why? Because she will be first lady. I refuse. But there was nothing I could do about it.

As I set out to my appointment, my Ma took me and had a talk with me because she saw the lines on my wrist. She knew. She held me, she cried with me, she told me she loved me, and I denied it. Although I refused it, she didn't let go of me. She didn't let go of me. She didn't let go of me. And I gave up.

A few months ago, I had gone to Chapel and there was a pastor from Maryland who came to preach. I want him to baptize me, but I digress. He said, "the only reason why you're struggling is because you won't sit still." He spoke of the Angel who was fighting a man, when in reality all the angel was doing was holding him while the man struggled. The Angel wouldn't let go because it wanted the man to feel the love of God. He told him to stop fighting it, and once the man stopped struggling, he felt it. Then the tables turned and it was the man who wouldn't let go because he wanted the Angel to know what this love felt like. And so I held on, and didn't let go.

After that day, I realized that I was blocking out the love that people were trying to share with me and I was fighting with it. I was hurting so much that the pain blinded the rest of my senses and left me senseless. I called my man that night and he told me what happened. Rather than it just being the OG's girl, it was her and her friends. The girl who got jumped in got FUCKED UP. He told me I'm too pretty for that shit, and I said, shit, true lol. Never mentioned it again.

The ruby life wasn't for me, although it feeds the thug in me : ) But I can do better. Because if I'm going to shine I'm going to shine like a diamond. The strongest stone there is. And I'm going to stop struggling. I'm going to stay still and let the love of others surround me and hold me in its tight grip, as I Survive With All God's Grace.

If you think I'm easily influenced, you are easily mistaken - Toni

Friendly Suprise

I found her, a piece of my puzzle, slice of happiness who can bring a shine to my face on the cloudiest of days. And just when I thought I'd be alone, she presented herself to me and planted a seed into my heart which grows with each meeting. Two of a kind, my other half. She sees me as I see her. It's as if we peer through the same seeing glass, understanding the other to the fullest, no questions asked. A silent language we speak when our eyes meet, and we just know. No need for words, she and I are one.

I've asked myself where has she been since I've gotten here. And I've been meaning to ask our mutual friend why she has been hidden from me. Why she is just entering my life. But you know God has a reason for everything so I try no to question it so much. We share so much more than a friend. From our lips to the sway of our hips, to our connected minds and our love for others, she is my TC without the L. Get it, no L's in TC, perfection. A birth separated by a day, April 9th and April 8th, yes, this was meant to happen.

Why is she here, and why am I here for her. Maybe our lives were missing reality, the reality in which we present in ourselves. And when together, our ambition doubles, our strive triples, and our love expands toward those who surround us. Her heart feels what I feel and what our hearts don't. Maybe that's why. We're meant to find in that gap. But for whatever reason, I'm glad she is in my life. Better sooner than later. My friend whom I trust so, Chanel.

: ) Follow her @ChaneltheCoco

If you think I'm easily influenced, you are easily mistaken - Toni

Patiently Waiting

We put in long hours everyday. This job ain't not game. We put in overtime if we have to, with no questions asked, doing it because we have to and we want to. Some people have careers. Some have jobs, part time night shift and day shift. Some are unemployed and have government assistance. Then there are the hard workers, who like me, climb the corporate ladder, not because we have to, because we want to. Because we want more than what we have now. I mean, you don't put in those long hours for nothing right? But people do, and still in the end receive nothing. These are the people who come in the a.m. from working a long night shift, only to be sent back to their beds with no pay, no benefit. Why do people do this? They do it because they want more. Welcome to the beginning of a relationship.

The amount of work women do for men is over the top, and though thousands of years have passed, we still cannot tell you why we do all this for the man we like/love. Women attempt desperately to climb that corporate ladder going from night shift, praying they'll end up fully employed. That's every woman dream, lowkey. Don't believe those women who say fuck niggas. They want one too for themselves.

Now to be honest, I'm old school. My mother's from the country of Jamaica so yes I was taught the old country ways, and I don't complain when it comes to take care of a man. Shoot. I can take care of myself, so I see no problem with playing the boo role. Just as long as with all these hours I put it, that I'm guaranteed a promotion. But this is where my question lies. Why is it that we as women have to wait for the man to decide what we are as a couple. Why can't I be the one to say , nah, you just boo, or yes, we go out. And I'm sure even after all these years that have passed, we women haven't come up with an answer to that also.

And so we wait, and wait, ever so patiently, believing that, yes, I will get promoted to a higher level, a higher status. And for many, that is a long wait. Women wait months and years after they already put out till they passed out, and haven't even gotten a raise. So why bother ladies? Why put up with the put out. Why not just step out and move on. We don't need to have the man control what goes on and who has say. Forget about climbing the corporate ladder. Be an entrepreneur. Create your own business. Create jobs for those looking. Don't be the dog strung on a leash waiting for his master to unleash him. Unleash yourself. Be ambitious, be strong, and be a respected woman.

If you think I'm easily influenced, you are easily mistaken - Toni

The Empire State of Mind

"Oh you from New York?, Why are ya'll so mean?" Really, I don't know how many times I've heard that since I've left my beautiful Empire City, adorned with concrete, tuff living, and life leasons. But it seems everywhere I go, people don't seem to grasp the Empire State of Mind and the technicalities we deal with.

It's all a mask what the tourist see. Like a post card with a beach in the background, the City is not what you think you see. The bright lights of 42nd Street blind the reality and the actuality of where we live. You see those bright lights are the lights for stars and the stars we want to be. But when the lights go out, reality shines and what you see is darkness, struggle, and every man for himself. Ain't no hands held for you in the City of Dreams. In fact, the city is full of dreamers, and only the ones who finally break free from the darkness make it to shine as bright as those 42nd Street lights. But what about the rest of us?

What about the young men and women who grew up a hard knock life, where streets didn't have lights, and when the sun went down the faint glow was of gun shots seen from blocks down. What about the young men who live in NY housing projects who live the lives of stars by tuning in to a 106 & Park music video. These are our kings, the kings of the street who earn their royal status by hustling like those videos tell them too. And their beautiful queens, the queens who only care about dick, weed, money, and status who earn their royalty by being the most skilled with their tongues. Welcome to New York. No, not Broadway or Fashion Ave. No not Amsterdam or Wall Street. The nitty gritty.

Why are New York women so hostle? Because we deal with hostle ass niggas and what we supposed to do, allow it? No, we the women of New York, probably the most hostle, money minded, ambitious group of women you will ever meet. And yes, with all of that used in the right way, we become a huge success. So yes, hate us, hate our anger, we hate it too, but it fuels our fire and feeds our ambition. You'd be surprised what's underneath all that hostility. It's just a young girl looking to be loved and to love back. But our environment doesn't teach us that. It's a dog eat dog world, and bitches is hungry, starving.

Why are our men so damn hostle that we need to be hostle back? Iouno. But it must have to do something with going blind in the City of Lights. When you take away your senses, you lose yourself. You can't see what you're doing and you can't understand what someone else is trying to explain to you, cuz you blind nigga, and you can't see what they see. Ha, Welcome to New York.

Welcome to New York, my home, my happiness, my safe place.. Yes my City of Darkness. I love it, because it taught me so much. It taught me how to survive. It taught me how to not feel pain, because pain is everywhere and if you let it get to you, you won't make it. And I made it, and we make it everyday. "If I can make it here, I can make it anywhere" I am. We are. Yes we have that fuck you mentallity, because niggas really don't care. Ask yourself, if you seen me homeless laying on the sidewalk, what would you do for me? Nothing, maybe give me a dollar and keep it moving. That's the world as we see it. A world full of heartlesss niggas who claim to be filled with love. Nah, New York don't sugar coat shit, so see it from our eyes, our light less, life less eyes. It ain't the lights I care for when I come home. It's the struggle, because I know it made me the tuff ass I am now. My scars healed and my battle wounds shows the world I'm a soldier. I can take a hit and roll with it. So for those who hate us, keep shooting and and we'll keep dodging.

Welcome to New York. Welcome to the truth. Next time you wanna ask why me so mean. Ask us our life story, shut the fuck up, turn around, and walk the fuck away. You know why?

Cuz we from New York.

If you thik I'm easily influenced, you are easily mistaken - Toni