Curtain Call

The lights were dim as she sat on the phone listening to his cries of angered passion. "Hate me!, Hate me!, I want you to hate me!" She sat there looking at her reflection in the mirror almost asking it if it could hear what she was hearing. The phone went dead in her ear. Looking down she realized her finger was on the disconnect button ending the call. How did I get here?, she wondered. How did I allow it to get this far?
The phone came back to life. She answered the phone. He said come down, my brother wants to talk to you. And so she went, scared but strong ready to fight a war. He called back, " He's in the white car," and hung up. She watched as his car pulled off leaving the white car. As she walked closer, she didn't see the figure sitting behind the wheel. Someone comes out, but it's not his brother. It's him. "Shit", she mumbles under her breath. How do I get out of this one? What do I do now? "Run",she whispers, but her feet won't move fast enough. He catches hers, his prey. They battle, they rumble. This lion attack. She sees people coming, "Yes, help, they can help." Her unspoken cries of help turn silent as she realizes this is an ambush. These lions, this gazelle. The lights swirl all around her, words attacking, she holding her stance. Jaw clenching, fist tighten, her man stance now preparing for war.
Minutes pass and she's on the floor crying in her bedroom. So many thoughts running around in her head, "Hate me, Hate me!" He wants me to hate him, but in all honestly I feel sorry for him. Her mind goes numb and she feels her heart hardening up. "I refuse, I am not going to allow him to make me hate. I am the definition of love and I will not hate him. I will hate no man. He will not make my heart get any colder." So she wins. The battle is lost but the war is won because still she loves. And love is what she will do. I will never hate him, the fine line exists, but only for those who chose to cross it. I do not walk amongst line walkers, and I do not cross them. I will not hate. If you think I'm easily influenced, you are easily mistaken.

- True Tales Toni

I Am I Because You Be

So I was thinking to myself, how can I begin to write without introducing myself. Well hello, I am Toni and I am a student at Howard University in D.C. I hate math therefore I love writing. The End? No, not really. Technically I did show you a bit of who I am in Double Sided Mirror, and in order to know me, you have to know my life. I was born in New York, and was quickly moved to Jamaica where I lived for three years. I moved back to the States and lived in Brooklyn for a few months and then I moved to the Bronx. After that I was moved to Mount Vernon, Southside and Eastside. During this time my father was gone, taking care of his other five children and not me. I was shipped around from house to house because my mother wasn't able to take care of me for reasons untold. By the time I was back with my Mother my heart was cold and was starting to grow colder. I was already the tomboy who dressed like a boy and and acted like one as well. I was a smart kid but inside I was having a battle with myself that has yet to be won. I didn't see who I was and was trying to figure out who I was versus who I wanted to be.

With all the drama that was happening in my life, trusting people was like taking a really hard math final. But there were some people who made it past that wall and tried to help fight my battle with me. I was still trying to figure out what war I was trying to fight through though. Then it all came back to the man I called Daddy. I laugh because it always comes back to this man. He played such a little role in my life and yet was the main character for all my pain and stress.

It was tuff not having that man around to "Save the day". To "save me" when Mom got too out of hand, she's Jamaican, you know. To come to those Father Daughter Dances, to be there to talk to when that first boy broke my heart. But I dealt with it the way I could, and that was by making my heart as cold as possible. So I started to act out, I started to fight, I did all that " white shit" and so much more. There were so many times I tried to end it, but the end never came which made me think that my life might have something in store for me. So I broke out of that hate and asked myself why should I allow a man who's never been here to control me. So I decided that he was going to be my role model, for everything I was never go to be. I am never going to be beaten on, I'm never going to be with a man like that. I'm never going to see him again, unless I'm in his will and I collect because I AM the youngest he has... But I digress.

Despite my trial I still chose to shine above it and be bigger and better. So that's what I did, and look at where it got me now. At the best HBCU in the U.S. and doing bigger and better things. I just found it ironic that I go to school in D.C. and I found out he lives in Maryland... So I know we still don't know who I am, but the person inside is strong, determined, ambitious, corny, sensitive, deceptive, and loving. But if we still don't know who I am, we can find out together, join me... If you think I'm easily influenced, you are easily mistaken.

-True Tales of Toni

Blind Sighted

Not to put anyone down or assit with anyone's already lowered self-esteem but ever see someone walking around like they are the hottest thing alive when in reality, they look the complete opposite? Living in Mount Vernon, but being a Bronx Baller, I see alot of that daily. I mean, it almost makes you wonder why don't they see what you see. I always questioned that in my head. Is everyone born thinking that they look attractive or will always look good in general.?Is this a biologic make up that everyone is programmed with that makes them believe that they are attractive? If so, why are some of those who are the ones with low self-esteem and those who clearly are not the most boastful. For example, I had a friend I grew up with who I believe was not "Fat" but full figured and could dress her ass of but liked to question herself in how she looked. Then about 2 weeks ago at school, I saw a big girl in grey leggings whose ass mimicked every crator the moon has. She looked at herself in the mirror that morning and said I look damn good while my friend who looks great partially thought she didn't. So what is the explanation? What causes someone to question who they are and how they look and what causes the others to not?

I'm not shallow or anything but just blunt about what I'm seeing in the world. I'm saying things that people are thinking and are probably chuckling to themselves this very moment. But although we are thinking the same thing, I bet we haven't come up with an answer yet, have we? I personally think that everyone should have half and half or just be totally realistic with themselves. I know there are times when I think I look like I'm the business and then recheck myself only realizing that I'm doing too much. I mean if I can be real with myself, why can't other people. Just be honest and stop doing too much. It's a turn off. Yes females, you can turn me off too. Don't judge me.

This goes for the guys too. Except in your case, you go too hard rather where we do it for confidence, you do it and become arrogant. I've met some arrogant men who believe that they are hot shit and just end up being a hot mess. So everyone, the moral is just be yourself. Don't be someone else and just do it to make yourselves happy not others. And please, please ladies be cautious of those leggings. If you're going to let your dimples show, then smile. Don't do it by putting on something that wasn't meant for your body. Not everything is made for everyone. And no, one size does not fit all. That goes for the skinny asses too. If you are a 6, do not wear a 2. If you are a 34 b, what are you doing with a 36 c bra. He will be disappointed when he takes it off. Lets just be real. If you think I'm easily influenced, you're easily mistaken.

- True Tales of Toni

Two Sided Mirror

So about a month and a half ago, I was talking to a guy *Chris who is a psychology major at

HU. I knew he liked me and still possibly does because he took me out on a date about 3 weeks ago, but something wasn't right. Don't get me wrong, I thought he was cute and he is a great people person, can talk his way out of anything and into anything. My problem wasn't so much him, but a part of me as well. What I didn't like about him was that he knew me, without knowing me. This is where all his psychlogy skills shown its face and rocked my emotions. He told me he sees a woman with great potential and so much confidencee, but why do I put on a "tuff guy" mask. He continued on in greater detail and with each word, I felt the tears about to attack my face. We had this whole Young and the Restless moment in the car where he just watched me and I watched my feet and I refused to have him even reach for my hand because I was all tense and shaken up. I left the car that night thinking, how does he know that? For the next month I went through this minor first semester crisis trying to find myself and figure out why I am the way I am. And it turns out, I already knew the answer.

Everyone has their own tear jerking story about how their lives sucked when they grew up, me too. But the first chapter wasn't so bad. I mean, I had Mom and Dad and uncles and aunts, lots of aunts. I was pretty advanced for my age, reading and doing math around 3 and 4 yrs old. Daddy didn't allow me to watch tv or anything "fun". And he was strict too. I was only allowed to read books, books and more books. But Mommy and I had a system. We lived in the basement of someone elses house and at the side there was a window where you can see someone coming. Once we saw feet, tv was off and Mommy tossed me a book. Tag team. But thats not what led me to be the way I am now. But it does have to do with Daddy.

Daddy was a bad guy. A wolf in sheeps clothing. Why I still call him Daddy, I don't even know. Turns out, Daddy beat Mommy and was cheating on her at the same time. This explains all the aunts, and I will give you this if you don't tell. Plus there was the time where he brought me with him. I was in her apartment with him there. He made me watch The Color Purple while he had taken the bed mattress and turned it sideways so I wouldn't be able to see what they were doing. Once I got up to go eat and came back seeing them laying in barely nothing, he told me to sit back down and watch tv. Whichever aunt she was, she was a true whore to do that with another woman's child in the room. Daddy always cheated and always brought me with him. Kids I thought were my cousins weren't really cousins. Just the children of whore's. I was a child of a whore too. Daddy. I eventually told my Mommy the truth one day not realizing how bad the truth was. At that age, news is news. To her, it meant time to pack up. And thats just what we did. Packed up and moved without him knowing. Didn't see him for almost 10 years after that.

From then on, it was us and only us. Don't trust anyone else, everyone is out to lie to you and get you. Mommy locked up inside herself and trusted no one, therfore I trusted no one. Still feel that way to this day. Daddy taught me how to cheat before I even knew what a relationship was. And Daddy also taught me how to never trust a man. But what he really taught me is that I don't know how to trust myself because clearly he couldn't trust himself. So since Chris had indirectly made me look at my past to understand why I act the way I act now, I know that I am truely Daddy's little girl who grew to up to be a guy on the inside. All I have to do now is be thankful that Chris made me reflect on myself and think about how I'm going to try and live from no one. Now I'm going to make my possibly boo my official first free from the Daddy's little girl mentallity. Life still continues. But if you think I'm easily influenced, you are easily mistaken.

- True Tales of Toni