To Shine like a Ruby

My past is filled with so much pain and to this day I smile so the hurt won't shine through. I was filled with so much anger, silently wishing I would die the next day because I didn't know how to deal with what was going on inside of me. I hated the world because I felt that the world was against me. And since I believed that the world hated me, I began to hate myself. I scarred my body. I cut my wrist hoping to read between the lines and find an understanding as to why my life was going down the path it was. I had no one, and I never gave those around me the chance to get inside and help me.

But I wanted to shine. I wanted to be a diamond and just shine so bright. I didn't know how to be a diamond, so I chose to be a ruby. All the issues that I was dealing with decided to attack me at once, and so I ran. I ran to the streets and allowed it to pull me in without a fight. My boyfriend at the time was a Five Star General in his Blood set. I was his wifey, doing what a wifey did, and that's hold down her man. I saw what everyone else saw in being a part of a gang. Having a family that they never had. I saw love and strength and an understanding that I didn't see where I needed it. And so they showed it to me, and I gladly accepted it. I didn't believe I could be a diamond.

So I told myself, this is where I want to be. Yes, me, Toni. I was ready to be the First Lady of the set. Mrs. Five Star General of 135th Street in Harlem. This was what I wanted, because I knew of nothing better. I was ready. I studied, I knew what I needed to know to be down. I had it easier than the next girl, but it was still a hard process. I'm sure you've all heard what a girl needs to do to be down. I didn't have to because my man was top dog. No one was going to violate me like that. But I had to fight to prove my honor and loyalty, the two things that I value the most. And it was set, the date and the time. Fight the OG's girl and I would have my family, my love, and my title. But it's funny how things play out.

I was set to head out on the 2 train to transfer to the 5 to win my battle. But I get a call and I'm told that I have to be somewhere at the exact same time. I let my man know I won't be able to come today, but I will tomorrow. He tells me that there is another girl who is trying to be down and she will be fighting today instead since I won't make it. I'm mad as hell. Why? Because she will be first lady. I refuse. But there was nothing I could do about it.

As I set out to my appointment, my Ma took me and had a talk with me because she saw the lines on my wrist. She knew. She held me, she cried with me, she told me she loved me, and I denied it. Although I refused it, she didn't let go of me. She didn't let go of me. She didn't let go of me. And I gave up.

A few months ago, I had gone to Chapel and there was a pastor from Maryland who came to preach. I want him to baptize me, but I digress. He said, "the only reason why you're struggling is because you won't sit still." He spoke of the Angel who was fighting a man, when in reality all the angel was doing was holding him while the man struggled. The Angel wouldn't let go because it wanted the man to feel the love of God. He told him to stop fighting it, and once the man stopped struggling, he felt it. Then the tables turned and it was the man who wouldn't let go because he wanted the Angel to know what this love felt like. And so I held on, and didn't let go.

After that day, I realized that I was blocking out the love that people were trying to share with me and I was fighting with it. I was hurting so much that the pain blinded the rest of my senses and left me senseless. I called my man that night and he told me what happened. Rather than it just being the OG's girl, it was her and her friends. The girl who got jumped in got FUCKED UP. He told me I'm too pretty for that shit, and I said, shit, true lol. Never mentioned it again.

The ruby life wasn't for me, although it feeds the thug in me : ) But I can do better. Because if I'm going to shine I'm going to shine like a diamond. The strongest stone there is. And I'm going to stop struggling. I'm going to stay still and let the love of others surround me and hold me in its tight grip, as I Survive With All God's Grace.

If you think I'm easily influenced, you are easily mistaken - Toni